i am sick of feeling bad for hanging out with my friends;
for not wanting to go to a bar;
for spending all of my time here when sometimes i just want to be at home, alone by myself.
i am tired of feeling like i'm doing something wrong,
of feeling my eyes water
of being quiet.
i am sick of feeling bad for hanging out with my friends;
Well, this semester is wrapping up rather quickly; man, that flew by. Yesterday we had one of our last classes with School of Education and it actually made me feel very uneasy hugging my classmates and hearing them say "I'll see you soon," even though the next class we have will be our last until next semester. It sounds dramatic when I type it all out but it's amazing how attached you can get to people when you spend enough time with them. It'll be so strange only seeing them once a week next semester for class as opposed to the last two semesters where I practically saw them every day.
Since i'm the only one moving home, I think, everyone will probably still hang out on occassion. That is, unless we're as busy as everyone claims we will be while student teaching. I really hope that I keep the friends that I want to keep from this cohort. They're all such beautiful people and it would be a shame to throw away our friendships.
I don't know why I'm ending tonight so upset--I'm being ridiculous.
It's like I want so badly for other people I care about to be happy that I try to sacrifice my own sanity for theirs.
This awful but lovely feeling is still burrowing deep inside me. It's so contradictory how much I adore feeling this way and, at the same time, how guilty I feel. It's just new, is all. Just nice to feel something different than what I've been feeling for the last two years and there's nothing more to it than that. I just need to learn to understand that this feeling isn't allowed to take off in any direction whatsoever. It needs to either stay the way it is...or die. And, personally, I'm starting to hope it dies. It's causing me way too much anxiety.
But, at the same time, I really don't want it to go.
I'm confusing myself.
Have you ever just wondered
"what the fuck is wrong with me?"
But, no matter how hard you
among and along the shards
of twisted thoughts
and faint feelings lining
ever inner part of you,
I don't know whether to be angry at you or to just be happy that you found something that makes you happy. I want you to be happy. I do. I like to think that you are. But, I really don't think it's fair that you snatched your happiness and ran, that you took my happiness when I was only a smidge over a decade. Why can't you just apologize?
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
sorry for only writing here when I'm upset or troubled by something.
this has not been the relaxing weekend I had hoped for; the entire time my mind has been trying to find meaning in the bits of information I've gathered over the last 48 hours.
I still feel sick.
I finally felt content, you know? Like, it felt like things were finally heading in the direction that I wanted them to and, without beating around the bush, it felt utterly amazing. I really thought that maybe, just this once, the person I wanted to stay planned on staying. But, now I'm all sorts of confused. And, there is no one I can direct my anger at because, really, it's no one's fault. So, I've been directing my confusion and frustration and general anger inward; I feel as though I'm about to implode.
There hasn't been solid evidence to conclude my biggest fear, so I'm trying to stay calm. I just have a lot of unanswered questions that shouldn't even be questions and I really just want the truth.
I am mad at you, though. For a lot of things. I'm mad at you for stirring this shit up and I'm mad at you for calling me stupid/ugly/fat and hiding behind your goddamn computer while this entire time I knew it was you. There were so many moments when I've really tried to see the good in you but I am truly starting to believe there is no good to discover.
what happened yesterday can't happen again.
it just can't.
It feels necessary to write right now, though. Maybe because I'm trying to avoid studying or maybe because I cannot seem to situate my mind as of late. I just need to ramble for a little bit so I can go back to concentrating on my work.
Really, I just feel off lately. It's like my mind keeps pulling me away from what is presently important and is continuously tossing old memories at me to juggle with. Realistically, I do not have time to sit and wonder about the "what-could-have-been's" or "why's" of past situations. What's done is done. I know this. So, why does it feel as though my psyche is in disagreement with what I think...I think.
Figuratively and physically, I am just tired. I have not had much rest because of these flashbacks and it is really starting to take a toll on my motivation toward school and relationships. I just want to feel focused and that doesn't seem to be happening at all.
I got a 95% on that essay I wrote on Paradise Lost; the grade sounds pretty but the comments she left on my paper made me feel as though I almost did not deserve the grade I was given, like it was a gift rather than something I earned. Maybe it is just the way she constructs her criticism, I can't be sure--this is the first assignment she has ever graded of mind. I am just so dreadfully nervous concerning the midterm exam for that class and really hope the review session tonight benefits me. God knows none of the lectures have.
Despite my inability to concentrate and school nerves, I am doing rather well keeping myself busy and, consequently, happy. I suppose this is all that should really matter. Spending time with Lilli and Jeff on a regular basis helps more than either of them will ever be able to recognize, regularly thanking them would not do my emotions justice.
From the bottom of my heart, I hope everyone is having a good day. I really, truly do.
that sometimes i find my mind trying to convince myself to commit suicide?
i've never admitted that to anyone.